Bereavement - What companion animals mean to us, and the effect of pet loss
By Angela Garner (DipFEA, DipPBC)

Angela Garner is a qualified and highly experienced pet bereavement counsellor who runs a national pet bereavement helpline and consultancy called remedies4pets (flower essence therapy for animals) from her home in Devon. However, Angela has written this article from her own recent personal experience of loving and losing a beloved pet, in the hope that it will offer insights into the human-animal relationship and how we are affected by pet loss.

What pets mean to us
Being passionate about animals since as far back as I can remember, and having taken in many waifs and strays over the years, I have of course loved and subsequently lost a good number of pets, some through old age, others through illnesses or accidents. Besides gaining a diploma in pet bereavement counselling and researching the effects of grief, I use my personal experience to support others by running a national helpline through a small animal charity, EASE (www.ease-animals.org.uk). I do this because I recognise the difficulties people face during pet loss and how important it is to have an understanding and empathetic person with whom to talk things through.

The grief from losing a beloved pet is integral to the human-companion animal relationship, and shouldn’t be viewed as a stand alone difficulty that people just have ‘to go through’ every now and then. However, before entering into the dynamic of pet bereavement, it is important to look at the significance of the relationship people have with their pets. There has been much research and numerous articles written on the positive effects of caring for a pet which detail the psychological, emotional and physiological benefits. These include such things as how stroking a pet can lower the blood pressure, and pet owning patients may recover more quickly from operations. However, to get to the core of what companion animals mean to us, we need to look at what we feel about our pets.

If I consider what my beloved dog meant to me during his life, then I could spend ages writing about this. In fact, I ended up writing a book, entitled, ‘Bobby’s Tale – a canine biography’* because he meant so much to my husband and I, that I wanted to record the richness, fun and adventures we had shared. Bobby was a small crossbreed terrier dog, who we adopted from a RSPCA centre some 10 years ago. There was no history to go on as he’d been picked up as a stray with a severely injured back leg which the vet had to remove to save his life. I have to admit that the early days with Bobby were challenging as he reacted badly towards various things, one of which was being left alone. However, my husband and I were committed to this little dog and subsequently set our feet firmly upon the path of finding out as much as we could about the canine mind, and how to help him. Subsequently, we formed a very close bond with Bobby, as he became central to our lives, being considered in all family matters.

The reason for detailing this is to help to form a picture of how strongly a beloved pet can feature in family life. As in many cases, Bobby wasn’t just a dog; he was a member of the family, whose welfare and happiness were given high priority in our day-to-day lives. This is not an unusual situation, as many of the pet owning population seem to feel the same way to greater or lesser degrees. Pets mean a great deal to us, offering valuable companionship and, of course, not forgetting the great service that working animals give to their owners. One of the most common but wonderful gifts pets offer is to simply be there for us – enthusiastically greeting us when we return home and often helping us through difficult and trying times. For others they relieve loneliness, perhaps their presence being the only reason and purpose to get up in the morning. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that companion animals mean the world to us; they bring years of comfort, joy and fun, each in their own unique and special way.

The effect of pet loss

When someone comes to me for pet bereavement support, I witness the extent of feelings they held for their pet, and I totally understand the devastation they experience. When Bobby died unexpectedly one Saturday afternoon, my husband and I were left in a state of severe shock. He had been his normal happy self that morning and little did we know that his morning walk would be the last. When we realised that Bobby had gone we found ourselves suddenly plunged into a depth of grief we had never experienced before. The pain was almost physical as it welled up inside and was only temporarily relieved by our tears. It came in overwhelming waves leaving us floundering on the beach of our loss. Fortunately, we had each other, besides friends and family who understood what Bobby meant to us and therefore recognised our grief. But there are many who don’t have understanding partners or friends and family and for them the struggle is even greater.

Creating space to grieve
We found we had to get out of the house which felt so empty without our little friend, but we were anxious not to see anyone we knew who might ask after Bobby, as we were rarely seen out and about without him.

Firstly we worked out a strategy to let family, friends, neighbours, acquaintances and colleagues know what had happened. We enlisted the help of a few kind neighbours and friends to do this, also writing and emailing where necessary. This allowed us to create the space we needed to release our grief in private, which I see to be very important. I also managed to arrange a few days annual leave from my job so that I didn’t have to go to work and pretend to be normal when in fact it felt as though my world had just collapsed.

Journeying along the path of grief
Having created the space, we allowed ourselves the total freedom to feel what we felt – whether this was crying, talking things through, or just being quiet. Whilst the sadness was overwhelming at times, we did try to lift ourselves up when we could. We did this by being a little firm with ourselves, but never hard. Neither of us wanted to eat but each day we had regular meals, forcing down a little food to keep our strength up. As is often the case in grief, night-times were difficult too, so we did what we could to secure a decent night’s sleep, using homeopathy. We also used flower remedies for emotional and psychological support. My recently acquired diploma in Flower Essence Therapy was put to good use as I was able to select a combination of remedies to help us through the shock and grief.** www.remedies4pets.co.uk

On reflection, one thing that helped us was to really go for the grief process one hundred percent, with no-holes barred. We knew why we felt like we did and so we accepted it and went with the flow. As humans we have the ability to have and express our emotions and it is vital to do so especially during grief.

Another important factor was being able to talk things through with each other or with family and friends. During pet grief there are many ‘if only’ and ‘should have’ and ‘shouldn’t have’s that arise. It’s easy to feel guilty or to go over the events of the death of a pet, doubting and agonising over decisions made and what was and wasn’t done. If we don’t get these things out in the open and talk them through, they become internalised and start to gnaw away tormenting our minds for months or even years to come. So talking and sharing is vital in pet loss, as in any grief process, but it’s important to find someone who actually understands what we feel, or at least recognises the depth of anguish we are suffering.

Letting go
In the quiet moments we reflected that we had had nearly 10 years of wonderful companionship with Bobby, and now we needed to let him go. It’s easy to talk about ‘letting go’ but not so easy to do, yet we both found our own ways of doing so. No-one can say exactly what happens when our loved ones die, but it does feel right to let them go, fortifying them with the love and care we held for them during their lives. Life moves on in many ways, and we knew that in time we too would move on, never forgetting our beloved canine companion - always remembering the special bond we had with him, with thankfulness for the gifts of joy and fun he brought us.

Settlement In time we managed to journey towards some settlement about the fact that Bobby had moved on. We found great comfort in a comment a friend made in her sympathy card to us, which was that ‘Bobby quit while he was ahead’. Yes, he had had a full and happy life with us and when he died, he went quickly, for which we are grateful. A little while ago we decided to offer another canine companion a home and soon enough a young crossbreed found his way to us. We call him Rufus, and we look forward to many years of companionship and joy with him.   To discuss any aspect of this article, please contact Angela by email: ease1@btinternet.com *  To purchase Bobby’s Tale visit: www.think2create.com ** For details on the use of flower remedies, visit: www.remedies4pets.co.uk    Angela believes that Flower essence therapy assists both people and their pets with psychological and emotional upsets, thus enhancing the human-animal relationship.

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